When Plot Bunnies Attack
by Antipathy
Summary: Szayel slips something into Ulquiorra's drink at an Espada assembly. Crackfic, T for language.
1. When Plot Bunnies Attack

**Bleach does not belong to me, nor its characters, settings or events.  
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**Warning: serious crack ahead. Continue at your own risk. See my profile for an alternate ending to this miniseries, entitled _When Plot Bunnies Attack: Invasion_!  
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Szayel watched him carefully. Any moment now...

Ulquiorra was sitting down. Cool, composed and for all the world a stone statue. Aizen had already distributed the tea and was talking about anything and everything under the sun. The minutes trickled by slowly and dully. It reminded Szayel of mud. So dull.

Ulquiorra was growing fidgety, Szayel noticed, wringing his hands and glancing around, and then glancing around again to see if anyone had noticed him glancing around.

This should get interesting.

Aizen was discussing toiletry finances when a strange look passed over Ulquiorra's face. He stood up. "Please excuse me, Aizen-sama."

It was about damn time.

Interrupted, Aizen sat back and regarded him thoughtfully. "What is it, Ulquiorra?"

Ulquiorra stood stiffly, hands at his sides. Not in his pockets. Odd. "I have sudden urges I must attend to, Aizen-sama. Please forgive me." And with that he departed.

The wind ruffled at everyone's hair. Silence reigned for a moment. "Urges?" Grimmjow echoed.

Noitora scowled. "What the hell does Ulquiorra have to do that's so urgent that it would interrupt his ass kissing?"

"Maybe he realized how fucking boring this is and the strain cracked him." Grimmjow, of course.

"Maybe he needed to use the restroom—"

"Or check the oven—"

"Or feed his gerbils—"

Everyone quieted at that. "What the hell? Gerbils?"

A smile spread across Grimmjow's face. "Ulquiorra keeps _gerbils_?"

"Not only that, I've seen him cooing to them at night—"

"Enough," said Aizen firmly, raising a hand to halt the exchange. "I'm sure Ulquiorra had a perfectly valid reason to run out on us like that." As he turned away Szayel distinctly heard him snigger, "_Gerbils..._"

Ah, speak of the devil. As if on cue Ulquiorra stepped back into the meeting hall. He inclined his head respectfully towards Aizen. "Forgive me, Aizen-sama, for my absence. It would make me so..." he seemed to struggle with the word, "so _happy_ if you would look past my impudence."

This perked everyone's ears. Ulquiorra? Happy? They watched this new development with interest. Szayel, however, had deeper reasons to observe him.

"In fact," Ulquiorra continued as he advanced towards Aizen, who was looking rather unsettled, "I am feeling..._ happy_ today. Emotional_._ That is it. I am feeling..." now he had his arms wrapped around Aizen, whose expression had quickly mutated from unsettled to horrified, "_emotional_."

Szayel grinned to himself. Perfect. It was perfect.

It was stark contrast to the rest of the assembled Espada, who looked as though they were watching their dead mothers dancing the tango.

"I think I'll just give you all a hug," Ulquiorra said vaguely. "Let's spread the happiness." The Espada were now scrambling out of their seats and packing themselves into the nearest corner. Yami peered out fearfully from behind Aizen.

A large grin spread itself across Ulquiorra's face. It was rapidly taking effect in his body, Szayel observed. It was potent, probably moreso than he intended.

An idea seemed to formulate in Ulquiorra's mind. "I'll be right back!" he chirped. Szayel could practically see the light bulb dancing above his head.

And he was off, faster than their eyes could trace.

Dead silence.

Yami was trembling, Noitora's normally narrow eyes looked like golfballs, and Grimmjow looked like he wanted to hide behind the nearest pillar. Or punch it. Szayel yawned.

Aizen narrowed his eyes at Szayel, who had, alone, remained in his seat. He pointed an accusatory finger at him. "You! What have you done to my Ulquiorra?!"

"What ever do you mean, Aizen-sama?" Szayel replied innocently.

"You slipped something into his tea!" he screamed. "My Ulquiorra has some unearthly concoction messing with his brain!" He turned away, sobbing. "Ulquiorra, my poor Ulquiorra..."

"What the hell did you _do,_ Grantz?" demanded Noitora. "A fucking medicinal lobotomy?"

"Something like that, yes. Except not nearly as permanent."

"Not permanent?" Aizen had rushed to Szayel, grabbing his collar. He looked hysterical. "Will it wear off, then?"

"It's a reversal of personality," replied Szayel simply. "It should wear off within, oh, a week or so."

Aizen looked relieved. "Oh, that's good." He blinked. "Wait, a week?"

Ulquiorra chose that time to come bounding in. Everyone did a double-take. His clothes. Oh god, his clothes.

He was wearing a long, tattered white cape, obviously taken from the draperies. In either hand was his zanpakutō and a white disc that looked suspiciously like it had been ripped off of one of Noitora's uniforms. He held it like a shield. And he wore nothing except—

Oh, god. A loincloth.

He took a running leap at Aizen, brandishing the sword. "THIS! IS! ESPADAAAAA!!"

Aizen screamed shrilly. "Ulqui-chan, no!"

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**I love poking fun at Ulquiorra. It's an obsession of mine.**

**-points down- Please review!**


	2. When Plot Bunnies Attack: Escape

**Renji is lucky that I don't own Bleach, or I'd strap him to a train track. Too bad I can only write about it.**

**My intended one-shot seemed to slide well with readers, so I wrote a continuation. I hope it turns out half as well.**

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Orihime sighed. She was bored out of her mind, and would give anything for a bit of excitement. Any deviation from this bland routine. Never mind that she could be killed or coerced into hurting her friends at any moment; right then, she'd have done any number of things, including drop dead, just to escape.

She looked up at the nonexistent stars. _I wish upon a star, or, um, the moon, or something, that _something_ would happen. Anything. _

She felt something. A small pop, maybe a bit of fairy dust. That's when Ulquiorra burst in. "Oh, 'Hime-chaaan!" he trilled.

Orihime jumped in fright. She turned around, disbelieving. "Ulquiorra?"

"I thought we could have some fun today, 'Hime-chan!"

"Ulquiorra... fun?" said Orihime nervously, absorbing this foreign concept while inching cautiously towards him. She didn't seem terrified, oh no. More like curious and a little afraid, with a bit of thrill mixed in. "Are you feeling all right, Ulquiorra?"

Orihime thought she could hear yelling in the distance.

Ulquiorra glanced over his shoulder. "They won't be here for a while," he said dismissively. "I thought I would just spread some happiness around! Talk to me about yourself, 'Hime-chan."

Orihime instantly brightened. "Oh, I'd _love _to talk, Ulquiorra! You know, it gets so boring in here, there're only so many times you can count the stitching in the carpet or watch the moon orbeforecefedblandrice..." She immediately launched into an excited tirade filled with mundane details of her past, habits, carpet stitching and culinary life.

"You know that this food isn't real food, it could use some wasabi or some red bean paste or--"

"THERE HE IS!" bellowed a red-faced Stark as he burst into the room. A collection of other members of the Espada filed in behind him. "AFTER HIM!"

"O noes!" squealed Ulquiorra. He scooped Orihime up in his arms. "We must escape, my princess!"

He blasted through the wall with a well-placed cero and bounded out, a dazed Orihime slung across his shoulder. They disappeared among the white dunes of Hueco Mundo. "We depart! Farewell!"

"_Noooo! Ulqui-chan!_" wailed a very battered-looking Aizen, one arm in a sling. He held the other out deploringly. "_Don't leave meee!"_

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They held a second Espada meeting. Absent, of course, of one member.

"What's the situation?" asked Stark grimly, taking charge in place of a very disconsolate Aizen sobbing in the corner.

"We've lost them."

"Shit," he cursed. "I want a search party organized right now, you hear me? In that condition he could seriously endanger himself and others."

Szayel yawned. "Or we could wait a week, he'll come to his senses and return to Las Noches."

As one everyone turned their glares on him. "Or," said Grimmjow matter-of-factly, "he could commit suicide on the spot after that little spectacle."

Aizen's face resurfaced at that. "Ulquiorra? Dead?!" Tears ran anew. "Nooo!"

Halibel patted him on the back reassuringly. "We'll catch him."

Szayel produced a straightjacket. "Shall we go, then?" he said brightly.

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It took hours alone just to find him, whereupon they initiated a very ridiculous game of cat-and-mouse. Ulquiorra was singing as he dragged an exhausted Orihime along behind him, leaping over dunes and poking hollow lizards.

"Gerbils, gerbils, I love gerbils," he sang. Somehow, while toting Orihime, he managed to evade the four Espada as they fruitlessly chased him. Noitora tripped, the entire length of his lean frame gracelessly slamming face-first against the sand. A fluent stream of curses could be heard as he struggled up and rejoined the chase.

Finally, Grimmjow lost his temper and released Pantera. He caught Ulquiorra in a stranglehold while the others swarmed.

"This," growled Grimmjow, who was restraining a thrashing Ulquiorra chanting "_Gerbils, gerbils,"_ in a singsong voice, "is going to be one hell of a week."

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**This little crack series will end with the next chapter, entitled _When Plot Bunnies Attack: The Aftermath._ You can probably infer what happens. **

**And, as always, please review! Thank you all who did last time!**


	3. When Plot Bunnies Attack: The Aftermath

_Completed 5/26/08_**  
(Insert witty comment about not owning Bleach)**

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Noitora poked his overlarge headgear in the room. "Yo, Ulquiorra?"

Said arrancar emerged from one of the many rooms in his multi-chambered quarters. "What is it, Noitora?"

"Have you seen fag-head? Aizen sent for him a while ago. Heads could roll if he isn't found, mine included."

Ulquiorra regarded him coolly. "Search harder, you imbecile. Szayel can't have disappeared."

Noitora grumbled and turned away, but not before Ulquiorra caught his smirk and a distinct snigger as he swaggered off. Ulquiorra watched him leave. Satisfied that he wouldn't be returning, he stepped back into his chambers.

A man looked up at him fearfully. He looked rather forlorn, bound to a chair by thick lengths of reiatsu-enforced cord. He thrashed but no sound succeeded in getting past his gag. Ulquiorra charged up a small cero.

"You are going to regret tampering with my drink, Szayel-Aporro Grantz."

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**Rather short; I didn't feel like drawing it out. Seems succinctly satisfying as far as endings go.**

**Well, it's over! First multi-chapter completed! Please review and tell me your thoughts.**


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